It went down like this:
Boo, meaning Dani, and I decided to make a big, ol’ pitcher of sangria with extra goodness. While viewing Bridesmaids, we consumed the entire pitcher, lemons and all. A lack of self-control you say? Nope. I blame it on the humid, hot-as-hell, life-sucking, North Carolina weather. Following our sangria part-ay, we conversed about the woes of dating in the twenties and the general lack of straight, available men in my little, circle of life. With zest and drive (due mostly to the enthusiasm afforded by the delicious sangria), we created not one but three online dating profiles for me. SAY WHAT!
Yes, by writing this, I invite you to judge me, but no matter. In my mind, online dating is equivalent to letting the attractive guy at the bar buy me a drink. It has potential to be fun, interesting, and long-term or objectifying, superficial, and boring. Also, the vast majority of grad students try online dating at least once during their academic career. Online = accessible.
With that ramble, I present to you the best-worst phrases uttered to me via online romance (both on the internet and in-person dates):
- “I don’t read much, so the last book I actually read and enjoyed was probably the Goosebumps series. Lol, I know it was, when I was 9, but, hey, I’m trying to be honest here.” Honesty might not always be the best policy in the realm of online dating…
- “I haven’t heard of any of those bands: Barcelona, Over the Rhine, Sigur Ros, or the Head and the Heart. But thanks to you, I have a whole lot of new music to listen to during my morning stair master routine.” You don’t know Sigur Ros. Enough said. And that stair master comment? Not nearly as much of a turn-on as you think it is…
- “I cannot stand excessively obese people.” Way to be superficial.
- On date 2: “Tell me why your past relationships failed.” Or not.
- “You’re like a real-life superhero!” Good try, but now I feel like a nun.
- “I’m looking for a really good, wholesome person. I’m not interested in a woman who has piercings or tattoos.” Yes, since my piercings and tattoo make me as dark as the devil indeed.
- On date 1: “Some of my clients have asked to get taken off my caseload, because I’m not a woman. You know, they were all intersexed. I mean, their lives are so damn messed up, I wouldn’t even know how to begin to help them…” Yeah, we are both in mental health, but, clearly, we interpret our roles differently.
- “YOLO!” Need I say more?
- Profile Synopsis (repeated about 10, 0000 time across online dating services) “In my spare time, I like to run and lift weights. After work, I spend a couple hours at the gym every day, and I like to hike, snowboard, or mountain bike on the weekends. My friends describe me as very successful, and I take my work very seriously. I’m looking for someone who is attractive, trustworthy, and funny.” Hello, I am the most superficial man on the planet.
- “Hey. You sound really cool, and your pretty. Do you wanna get drinks? I’d send you messages, but I’m not really into this thing. LOL. Ok, here’s my number: kdd-ert-weyb. Hope to hear from you soon! TTYL.” Abbreviations for brief words, poor grammar, and bad spelling are as equally unattractive as greasy hair. Just sayin’.
- “Man, I’m jealous you only have to be in class two days a week then go to an internship. That is nothing like law school.” Yeah, because begging a police officer to place an overdosed, suicidal woman on a mental health hold is a walk in the park.
- “… so, basically, that is my whole life story!” Boundaries are wonderful, wonderful things.
- “I WANT YOU TO BE MY WIFE!” Not uttered in exact words, per se, but all signs pointed this one…
I could go on and on and on and on, but I will spare you. Fortunately, I got my “money’s worth” through some free dinners, lots of coffee, and a plethora of laughs. Like peeing my pants, rolling on the floor laughing. Now, I can say I’ve done it. Thank the Lord, the subscriptions end this month.