Frequently, I think about where life leads, or, more accurately, where the spirit of Christ leads. I am half a year shy of 25, which is, all at once, exhilarating and frightening, leading me to ask questions such as:
“Social worker” is my title, and serving people is my “vocation,” but what, specifically, is my “calling?”
Who do I want to share my life with? (I forget, oftentimes, I can be selective about this one. Hmm.)
Does how I live reflect my deepest values?
Who do I respect and look up to? Who respects and looks up to me?
Who do I lead? Am I taking them somewhere worth going?
When I was 15, I thought life would look a whole lot different, on many levels, than it does. Am I disappointed? No, maybe slightly disillusioned (or maybe just rationale) about particular things. People like to tell me, “Now is your time! You’re young and well educated! The world is your oyster!” Bullshit, this world is not an oyster.
I am, however, oddly hopeful, because I am at a point of accepting surrender. For as long as I can remember, I have envisioned a crazy, wonderful life full of adventure and purpose yet had no vision for how to get there. Of course, I had a plan involving airplanes, foreign romances, and wavy hair (yes, my hair is wavy in my fantasy world.), but involved no work. No, I don’t have an oyster, and, yes, I have limitations, but committing to working hard and taking a few losses every once in awhile in hope of something better is well worth it, because I will live a life I envisioned and worked hard to get.
The questions above wait for an answer and a million more puzzle my brain and force me to sit with what is unresolved and listen. It wants a whole lot of things, a whole lot of resolution, but the real, crux of it hinges on my ability to hang loose and hold on.
Thankfully, I have a lifetime and more to figure out how to do it, this whole surrendering thing. Lord have mercy on my rough and rowdy ways…