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Monthly Archives: February 2012

I say things, like “BFFS,” still.

Hilarity. The true, good, real kind.

“A year from now we’ll all be gone;
all our friends will move away.
And they’re going to better places,
but our friends will be gone away.

Nothing is as it has been,
and I miss your face like hell.
And I guess it’s just as well,
but I miss your face like hell.

Been talking ’bout the way things change,
and my family lives in a different state.
And if you don’t know what to make of this,
then we will not relate.
So if you don’t know what to make of this,
then we will not relate.

Rivers and roads.
Rivers and roads.
Rivers ’til i reach you.”

– The Head and the Heart

A piece of your heart in my heart forever.

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A Good One

This weekend was good.  That’s the only word to describe it.  Excruciating at times, for many reasons, but oh so good.  This morning I read this little quotation, which I’d heard before, and it brings deep joy every time it runs into my life:

“Grace is something you can never get but can only be given. There’s no way to earn it or deserve it or bring it about anymore than you can deserve the taste of raspberries and cream or earn good looks. A good night’s sleep is grace and so are good dreams. Most tears are grace. The smell of rain is grace. Somebody loving you is grace.”   – Frederick Buechner

I love those simple words, because they are irrevocably true.  And this weekend I experienced all of those things, all those graces.  It’s weekends like these that remind me of how full my life is of things and people I neither appreciate enough or deserve.

But tonight my heart is thankful for all of it, the old and new, and full of a quiet peace.  I feel wrapped in a blanket, reassured.  And happy, I feel very, truly happy.

 

And a P.S. for my girls-That sleep away was the simultaneous best and worst… mostly best.  But let’s please, oh please, do it again.  Even if that’s in five years.  LOVE LOVE LOVE

You Know It’s Week Seven When…

Yes, it’s week seven of the quarter, which means all hell is breaking lose up in here.  I’m all over the board, more than normal, and these are the main indicators:

  • I purchased my second Black Box of Malbec.  No shame… it’s delicious and economical.
  • My to-do list is mounting skyscraper status, but what am I planning for the weekend?  A girls’ night, lunch with a friend, fun with another, Snooze… you know, all good things.
  • The most frequented websites of the week include Facebook, Netflix, Hulu, WordPress, Pinterest, and Yelp.
  • Last night I opened my email about class registration for next quarter only to discover that I needed to register… today.
  • I created a countdown to summer.  Yes, summer.  Even though I have another quarter to go.
  • My dinner consisted of egg soup (glorified chicken broth), wine, and dark-chocolate covered blueberries.
  • I’ve convinced myself that watching “Parenthood” is a productive use of my time as a professional, since I can analyze attachment patterns and systems theory in the family.
  • I am very demotivated to wash my hair.
  • I’ve worn the same two outfits twice, alternating their appearance based on who I haven’t interacted with, so as not to look too repetitive.  I have clean clothes; it’s just a lot of effort to make an outfit right now…

Blug a blug a blug a boo.  I’m a whiney train tonight, but, hey, it’s all worth it… or at least it will be soon.

Kairos.

Kairos.

It’s a greek word that’s consuming me.  I am completely obsessed with the concept, the practice of it.  In the greek it means “the supreme moment,” that ideal space in time, when something exceptional and great happens.

How does one practice kairos?  Living in the moment, of course, which is much easier to say than do.  My friend likens it to driving over speed bumps.  When one slows down, taking the speed bump at the appropriate pace, the vehicle isn’t damaged and runs longer.  When cars zoom over speed bumps faster than intended, the vehicle is damaged and, eventually, the owner is forced to stop and repair unnecessary damage.

Living in kairos is the later example, yes, the slowing down one.  The idea of a “kairos moment” (redundant, yes, but, hey, english isn’t always a winner…) is circular involving several stages that begin with a pause:

Observe – What’s happening around me?  In me?

Reflect – What am I thinking and feeling about it?

Discuss – What input can I glean from others’ ideas and experiences relative to this moment?  What do others think about my reactions, thoughts, and opinions about this?

Plan – What can I do now?  How can I grow from this experience?

Account – Involve someone else in this plan for support and accountability.

Act – Live out that internal process, giving life the idea.

The idea of kairos is beautiful, I think.  It’s the completeness of it.  Clearly, it’s a different way of living, but it’s rich, because it allows deep experiences of  joy and pain, accounting for the importance of both to personhood.

So I’m trying to practice kairos, slowing down intentionally to be in the moment, feel it and move forward from it.  I’m not sure what it looks like; this depends on what’s happening, I suppose, but I’m looking forward to slowing down over those bumps.

Succumb

You win some, and you lose some.  Today was a losing of sorts.  I didn’t fail at anything in particular; it was more like succumbing…

Forgot my contacts and glasses.  Managed to make it to work only to turn around to grab some lenses.

Caught the twins saying “bye bye” and waving to whatever was flushing down the toilet…

Noah, the dog, broke the baby gate, so we spent the bulk of an afternoon turning the TV, space heater, and lamps on and off and taking all the ziplock bags out of the drawer… after two hours I realized I could simply unplug the power strip and turn on Dora the Explorer.

Finn almost ate a quarter, so I had to do a little digging…

After multiple “no!”s and bat-aways, I just let Cassidy put her fingers in my mouth…

I was that woman at the mall, walking around, dazed, toddlers’ hands in my own being led up the escalator.  Major meltdown initiated afterward, because, well, the elevator simply isn’t as cool… ddduuhh.  And to that precious, elderly woman who offered to help me, you’re a gem, but they SO aren’t MINE.

Enjoyed the adultness of NPR so much that I missed the street to get back to the twins’ house, and the next, and then we hit a one-way.  Ooops, drove a mile out of our way, but, hey, the story was intriguing, and I figure it’s helping improve the twins’ verbals…

Due to the broken-gate-fiasco, I didn’t even get to go to the bathroom alone today between the hours of 8 AM and 6 PM.

 

…. like I said, you win some, and you lose some.  And even though I found the “Music for Making Babies” in my desk at the office, I take great comfort in the idea that I probably won’t have to use that mix for a very, stinkin’ long time.  And if I ever start to doubt it, I’ll just ask Cassidy to put her fingers in my mouth.  Hurrah!

 

The One About My Friends.

Several months ago a deep sadness moved into my heart, and, after one major breakdown with my mom, I’ve avoided even thinking about it.  I’m a feelings-stuffer in the sense that I work and trudge through discomfort at light speed to ignore it.  But last week a friend of a friend got sick, and, even though I don’t know her, it sort of puts it-the importance of friends-in perspective.

This is a sad one.  In six months, we’re won’t be together or a short car ride away.  No more sporadic texts about mishaps.  No more backyard fires.  No more winding chats around the lazy river.  No more bonding with the boxed wine (well, let’s face it, for me, there will be boxed wine sans bonding…).  No more magical holiday nights.  No more planning of the classy cocktail party dedicated to dancing the night away.

The past five and six years have been quite incredible and full.  We’ve traveled the world.  Studied.  Apartment-hunted and moved.  Graduated.  Applied for jobs.  Been rejected by jobs.  Peed pants and beds.  Almost got kicked out of college.  Stood alongside one in another in marriage.  Served.  Cried over learning the hard way.  Prayed through crisis.  Navigated lost journeys.  Been confused, disillusioned, and frustrated.  Sat by during hard, tragic, sad times.  Been the other end of the phone at 2 AM.  Tried acne, diet, and fashion faux-pas.  Celebrated victory and admitted defeat.  Meddled in one another’s relationships.  Planned and dreamed.  Feared, worried, doubted, and healed.  Embraced one another’s awkwardness.  Laughed and talked from night to day.  Loved one another through and out of darkness.  Found Jesus.  And the list goes on…

Together we’ve found ourselves a little and begun the frightening journey into adulthood, which has been wondrous, but now it’s time to do this apart.  When I think of why we must separate, I cry sad and happy tears.  Sad, because we won’t be side-by-side for one another’s journeys.  Happy, because, when we’re done with it, the world will be different, I think.

Now it’s time for you to travel the world or across this country to chase visions, fulfill desires, love people needing love, give and do what you’re best at, and live out passions.  For most of you, the way is known, and some still dream.  But the beating of all your hearts-for beautiful, incredible things-is not in vain.

It’s been a privilege and one of the greatest joys of my short time as an adult to do life with you, but my greater privilege will be watching your future stories unfold, even if we’re apart.  I’ll still be cheering you on, believing in the completeness of the One inside you.

New ones will come, have come along, but you have a place always.  I am proud of you. You inspire and challenge me.  When I am sad, thoughts of you make me happy.  But most importantly, I love you, which is something neither space nor time can change.